Friday, May 18, 2007
A Travesty
As a hockey fan I feel like this should bother me:
Here we have sport's greatest trophy, engraved with the names of all those who have come close to winning it, being mocked and abused on Boston Legal. I know that David Kelly is a hockey fan, and William Shatner probably enjoys the puck a bit, but did they need to make a mockery of the grail? It just seems wrong.
But then I realize. No one watches hockey. I'm a member of a small pocket of guerrilla hockey fans. Any coverage is good coverage and if William Shatner making a mockery of the Stanly Cup on national television shines a light(however embarrassing) on my sport then I might as well deal with it.
Until hockey is standing on it's own two feet we'll be forced to live with indignities like this one. And I'm willing to make that sacrifice.
Don't call me on Sunday between noon and 3pm. I've got a playoff series to win.
Monday, July 31, 2006
It Has Come And Gone
The Trade Deadline.
Since I first came to understand what a trade deadline was I have hoped and prayed that my team - The Padres - would make some impactful move. Well, this year, just like the others, I have been overwhelmingly let down. When the clock struck noon our big move was trading some minor-league nobody for Todd Walker (a major league nobody). WOW! Our goal (the previously stated goal by GM Kevin Towers) was to find a power bat at Third Base. So, we got an 11 year veteran SECOND BASEMEN with 8 homeruns. I mean it makes sense, right? Oh, hold on - first you have to close your eyes real hard and then shoot yourself in the head (but you don't die, you live on as a grossly disfigured human who couldn't get a suicide attempt right) and then, and only then it will make sense. I warned all my loved ones that today I might be very depressed. When asked why I always give the same response: It's the trade deadline and I'm a Padre fan. People who don't even care about baseball somehow understand. Well, when you think about it, we are in first in a division of 4th place teams, so why would we need a major change? I mean come on! The platoon of Geoff Blum, Mark Bellhorn and now Todd Walker at Third will more than make up for the lack of effort by our front office. Meanwhile, the Fuckin' Dodgers* land Greg Maddux (someone who openly said he would like to come to San Diego) and Julio Lugo! True Lugo beats his wife and Maddux is looking more and more like his brother Mike Maddux everyday, but the Fuckin' Dodgers* are in last place!! Everyone knows they aren't gonna win the division, everyone knows they suck, but they STILL MADE A MOVE!!! Sometimes being a Padre fan is as exhausting as being crippled.
Well, we move on. Here's to another Second Half of mediocrity! Here's hopin' we make it into the playoffs with a 83-79 record this year! Here's to Todd Walker - the next Ryan Klesko!!
*The Fuckin' Dodgers is the official name of the franchise as told to me by Phil Gorney.
Since I first came to understand what a trade deadline was I have hoped and prayed that my team - The Padres - would make some impactful move. Well, this year, just like the others, I have been overwhelmingly let down. When the clock struck noon our big move was trading some minor-league nobody for Todd Walker (a major league nobody). WOW! Our goal (the previously stated goal by GM Kevin Towers) was to find a power bat at Third Base. So, we got an 11 year veteran SECOND BASEMEN with 8 homeruns. I mean it makes sense, right? Oh, hold on - first you have to close your eyes real hard and then shoot yourself in the head (but you don't die, you live on as a grossly disfigured human who couldn't get a suicide attempt right) and then, and only then it will make sense. I warned all my loved ones that today I might be very depressed. When asked why I always give the same response: It's the trade deadline and I'm a Padre fan. People who don't even care about baseball somehow understand. Well, when you think about it, we are in first in a division of 4th place teams, so why would we need a major change? I mean come on! The platoon of Geoff Blum, Mark Bellhorn and now Todd Walker at Third will more than make up for the lack of effort by our front office. Meanwhile, the Fuckin' Dodgers* land Greg Maddux (someone who openly said he would like to come to San Diego) and Julio Lugo! True Lugo beats his wife and Maddux is looking more and more like his brother Mike Maddux everyday, but the Fuckin' Dodgers* are in last place!! Everyone knows they aren't gonna win the division, everyone knows they suck, but they STILL MADE A MOVE!!! Sometimes being a Padre fan is as exhausting as being crippled.
Well, we move on. Here's to another Second Half of mediocrity! Here's hopin' we make it into the playoffs with a 83-79 record this year! Here's to Todd Walker - the next Ryan Klesko!!
*The Fuckin' Dodgers is the official name of the franchise as told to me by Phil Gorney.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
A picture
Here is a picture of a helmet...it is used to protect the head in situations that might endanger the head.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Say It Ain't So - Jason Grimsley?*
Wow. Who could have predicted this? Who would have ever thunk it? I mean you just couldn’t – could ya? After all the steps Bud Selig and Major League Baseball have taken to ensure the game is clean, something like this happens. The game will never be the same. It’s forever blemished. Except it’s not. In anyway. At all. Et al. No one cares anymore. First off, I can completely believe this happened and will continue to happen. This is not new to anyone. And for the world to be so narrow-minded that they would think the game is now clean because the congress got involved is the real shocker (yes, the real shocker. Like two in the pink one in the stink). It is now proven that no one stopped using they just found a new way to do it. Enter HGH – Human Growth Hormone. Undetected by steroid and drug testing. Brilliant technology for the ballplayer who wants to gain an edge (or for the layperson: the ballplayer who is not good at baseball). Enter Jason Grimsley. Yeah, let’s get to him. Now, I am amazed that anyone would give two shits about this guy being caught with steroids. It’s like my brother getting caught. It really doesn’t matter at all to the game of baseball. Grimsley is an unimportant relief pitcher for an unimportant team at an unimportant time in baseball. So, he got caught using HGH and actually unbeknownst to the general public also tested positive for steroids in 2003. When he was playing for another legendary team the Kansas City Losing Streaks.
The geniuses at ESPN had two poll questions on their website:
1) What will be remembered as the bigger steroid controversy – Barry Bonds or Jason Grimsley?
2) Do steroids and HGH actually help a ballplayers performance?
I think I can answer both these questions by using Jason Grimsley himself. Grimsley, as aforementioned is a relief pitcher, which is already a strike against his talent. He’s not now nor has he ever been a setup guy or The Closer (Wednesdays on TNT), he’s just a middle relief innings eater. He has only had four seasons with a winning record out of seventeen (3-2 with PHI in ’90, 5-2 with CLE in ’94, 7-2 with NYY in ’99 and 3-2 with NYY in ’00). You’ll notice two of those years were with the Yankees when the Yankees could have made a winning pitcher out of Jose Canseco. He made it to the postseason twice with the Yankees and pitched a combined 3.1 innings with 2 strikeouts. His career ERA is 4.77 and this year with the D-Backs was 1-2 with an ERA of 4.88 and 10 K’s in 27.2 innings. So, it was looking like another career year for Grimsley. Now, to answer ESPN’s brilliant poll questions:
1) Bonds is the bigger story and always will be – even if Frank Robinson comes back from the dead and hits 3,000 homeruns – oh, wait Robinson is still alive. Sorry.
2) According to Grimsley’s stats it would seem steroids and HGH do not help a players performance. At least a pitchers.
Now, to quickly finish on Grimsley – He was suspended 50 games by MLB and will likely retire and spend the rest of his days hanging out with Goose Gossage outside Nudie bars. Anyway, whoever thinks this is a real tragedy or controversy is just as stupid as Grimsley. There have only been three real tragedies in baseball:
1) Steve Sax and his disease
2) The Devil Rays
3) The 1994 strike in which had the season been finished Tony Gwynn would have hit .400 (thus being publicly known as the greatest hitter in modern baseball) Matt Williams would have broken the single season homerun record and The Expos would have at least gotten to the World Series and possibly won it. So, anyone who says this is a tragic does not care or know about baseball. Steroids helped people care again (how quickly we forget 1998). The game will never be clean. It seems odd that Eric Gagne just can’t get healthy. Although everyone seems to forget when he was a starter and about half the size he is now and oh yeah – he sucked. Or, how Albert Pujols hurt his back by reaching for a ball – y’know his job. Although, Pujols came out of nowhere and was a terrible ballplayer until guess what? He bulked up and learned how to hit the long ball…gee I wonder how he did that all of a sudden. Everyone is on some type of steroid or drug – everyone! Even David Eckstein. Stop wishing for a cleaner game and start accepting that this is pro sports for today. If you don’t like it then go read a book or spend time with your kids. Get over it. After all, you created this environment so pay the $30 to see it.
*Go read Joe Quadres “Hulkster and the Babe” article below. It’s genius and on the above subject.
The geniuses at ESPN had two poll questions on their website:
1) What will be remembered as the bigger steroid controversy – Barry Bonds or Jason Grimsley?
2) Do steroids and HGH actually help a ballplayers performance?
I think I can answer both these questions by using Jason Grimsley himself. Grimsley, as aforementioned is a relief pitcher, which is already a strike against his talent. He’s not now nor has he ever been a setup guy or The Closer (Wednesdays on TNT), he’s just a middle relief innings eater. He has only had four seasons with a winning record out of seventeen (3-2 with PHI in ’90, 5-2 with CLE in ’94, 7-2 with NYY in ’99 and 3-2 with NYY in ’00). You’ll notice two of those years were with the Yankees when the Yankees could have made a winning pitcher out of Jose Canseco. He made it to the postseason twice with the Yankees and pitched a combined 3.1 innings with 2 strikeouts. His career ERA is 4.77 and this year with the D-Backs was 1-2 with an ERA of 4.88 and 10 K’s in 27.2 innings. So, it was looking like another career year for Grimsley. Now, to answer ESPN’s brilliant poll questions:
1) Bonds is the bigger story and always will be – even if Frank Robinson comes back from the dead and hits 3,000 homeruns – oh, wait Robinson is still alive. Sorry.
2) According to Grimsley’s stats it would seem steroids and HGH do not help a players performance. At least a pitchers.
Now, to quickly finish on Grimsley – He was suspended 50 games by MLB and will likely retire and spend the rest of his days hanging out with Goose Gossage outside Nudie bars. Anyway, whoever thinks this is a real tragedy or controversy is just as stupid as Grimsley. There have only been three real tragedies in baseball:
1) Steve Sax and his disease
2) The Devil Rays
3) The 1994 strike in which had the season been finished Tony Gwynn would have hit .400 (thus being publicly known as the greatest hitter in modern baseball) Matt Williams would have broken the single season homerun record and The Expos would have at least gotten to the World Series and possibly won it. So, anyone who says this is a tragic does not care or know about baseball. Steroids helped people care again (how quickly we forget 1998). The game will never be clean. It seems odd that Eric Gagne just can’t get healthy. Although everyone seems to forget when he was a starter and about half the size he is now and oh yeah – he sucked. Or, how Albert Pujols hurt his back by reaching for a ball – y’know his job. Although, Pujols came out of nowhere and was a terrible ballplayer until guess what? He bulked up and learned how to hit the long ball…gee I wonder how he did that all of a sudden. Everyone is on some type of steroid or drug – everyone! Even David Eckstein. Stop wishing for a cleaner game and start accepting that this is pro sports for today. If you don’t like it then go read a book or spend time with your kids. Get over it. After all, you created this environment so pay the $30 to see it.
*Go read Joe Quadres “Hulkster and the Babe” article below. It’s genius and on the above subject.
Monday, May 29, 2006
Important News
Well folks, you're hearing it here first. For the first time The Sports Minute(dot blogspot(until further notice)), is breaking a news story before the rest of the country picks up on it. After observing my fantasy team I can now officially declare that Cliff Lee is not a good pitcher.
That's right, guys. I know it's hard to believe. The spin doctors in Cleveland would have you believe otherwise, but don't listen to the hype. He'll tank your fantasy franchise and he'll tank your real team.
It occurs to me that I need an insider quote to prove that this news story is true.
"Yeah, he sucks," said, Steve Babbington.
Who is Steve Babbington, you ask? Not an insider, I answer.
Calls to the Cleveland Indian's front office went undialed.
That's right, guys. I know it's hard to believe. The spin doctors in Cleveland would have you believe otherwise, but don't listen to the hype. He'll tank your fantasy franchise and he'll tank your real team.
It occurs to me that I need an insider quote to prove that this news story is true.
"Yeah, he sucks," said, Steve Babbington.
Who is Steve Babbington, you ask? Not an insider, I answer.
Calls to the Cleveland Indian's front office went undialed.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
This will be brief.
Last night I found myself clocking out of work and turning on the Padres-Mets game in my truck. We were down but not by much. Dave Roberts was waiting on third and Brian Giles had just recieved a free pass to first. The newest Padre Mike Piazza was now up to bat. A chance to impress his new hometown fans by stickin it to his old team with an RBI knock. At this point I was close to my house and pushed foward on the gas to see this at bat on TV as soon as I could. Then I realized - what am I racing home for? Mike Piazza is a Padre now. This means no heroic homerun or clutch double or hell even a walk. I came to grips with the fact that I was rushing home so I could see Piazza ground into a double play. And sure enough I turned on the tube at just the right moment to see Piazza come through. Double Play. Inning over. My hopes dead. Bochy should be fired. Hell yes I said it, and I don't even believe it.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Drew Brees applies for Sainthood...
...is the Headline some crappy newspaper in the midwest came up with already.
So as a Chargers “fan”(and I put “fan” in quotes because it makes more sense) I have learned to deal with certain quirks that San Diego teams have:
1) We don’t ever get the “good” players, unless:
a. We got lucky in the draft. Which has happened twice (LT and Ryan Leaf*).
b. We acquire players before they become good and trade them as a “prospect” to another team for someone like Kwame Lassiter.
c. We acquire players after they have hit there prime in free agency or in the aforementioned trade (in which we trade a player who will be good for a player who has one leg and is blind but used to be Jesus)
2) Our teams will never win a championship. Unless they are the Gulls (Semi-Pro Hockey) or the Sockers (Semi-Pro Indoor Soccer – who are actually the most winning-est franchise in San Diego Sports history and that makes San Diego collectively more gay than any other city. Sorry San Francisco, your just not gay enough anymore.). I have grown to accept that a super bowl ring will never have the bolt engraved in it or I’ll never attend a World Series game sitting next to the western metal supply building.
3) We don’t spend money unless we are certain it will not work out for us (Ryan Leaf, Philip Rivers, David Boston, Sean Salisbury). Our one condition for tossing money at players is apparently only if we have some inside information that they will not turn out in our favor. This is true for The Chargers and Padres (and sometimes The Gulls). Which leads me to this…
4) “The San Diego Discount”. This is a phrase really smart ESPN folks and professional athletes and agents have come up with. It means that to play sports in San Diego you get all the weather, attractive women and beaches, but in exchange you won’t make as much money. I think this is a myth. Only one time has this theory ever rung true: Tony Gwynn. He took less money to stay in San Diego. Why is this the only time it’s really happened? Because Tony Gwynn is the only player good enough to actually have to take a discount. Everyone else was either paid there worth or were greedy and deserved purgatory on the Bills…or the Saints…which leads me to:
…DREW BREES. I would first like to say that I always liked Drew Brees. I saw him play with Purdue and thought he was an underappreciated talent. When the Chargers drafted him instead of Michael Vick I was extremely happy. I’d rather have a Boilermaker over a Hokie any day. I mean what the hell is a Hokie anyway? Is it that thing on Frank Beamer’s neck? Regardless, I liked him. But, at no point did I anticipate him as a permanent Charger. Nothing about him screams loyalty – it just screams look at my hot wife or that Gorbachev thing on my cheek. I in no way thought he would be with us longer than two years. I mean we had Flutie^ for Christ’s sake (^See point No. 1 sec. C from above)! I thought Brees would be a good backup plan and maybe see some snaps but he wasn’t going to be the next Dan Fouts. Dan Fouts had a beard. Drew Brees did not and has never had a beard. I had never given up on Drew Brees I just never gave him a chance – like cocaine or “Scrubs”. My friend and fellow Sports Minute columnist Nick McCann (who is an authority on absolutely nothing except my life) told me you can’t give up on a Quarterback until his fourth year. I agreed only to shut him up and then saw his very theory be proven right. Look at Vick or Eli Manning or even early Elway – they were thrown to wolves and the wolves chowed down. Some came out with scars and learned from it, some just died. Brees was given time to learn from fellow hobbit QB Flutie, and in his fourth year had the best year for a Charger QB since Stan Humphries in ’94. Brees only threw 7 picks in ’04 and had a QB rating over 100.0! I mean come on – fuck yes! Unfortunately, that year the Bolts brass lost trust in Brees and drafted Philip Rivers to battle for the starting job. Which has culminated to the events of this month. Brees feeling unwanted decided to take his birthmark and go elsewhere. It was either The Dolphins or Saints and since The Dolphins acquired Culpepper the Saints seemed like home. Now, I still like Brees and I think he has a lot of talent. Do I think he could have led the Chargers to the Super Bowl? No. Do I think he could lead the Saints to the Super Bowl? Hell no. The Saints, apparently forgetting Brees last game of the year where he tore up his shoulder, gave him a 6-year $60 million dollar deal! This was definitely Brees out for the dough. How on Earth could he think “Ah yes, the Saints. They are an organization that is headed in the right direction – assuming they have a place to play and another good player on the team besides Joe Horn”. Who will protect him? Who will he throw to? Who will he hand off to? Who will tend to his wife? Drew Brees has been in this situation before and it wasn’t that long ago and if I remember correctly he didn’t like it. In fact no one liked it, not even the city he played in. And we certainly didn’t give him sixty mill!! Not only does he have the normal pressure of being the QB he was for the Bolts on an entirely new team; but now he has to be so damn good that the whole Hurricane-ridden, poor desolated city of New Orleans where most people still don’t have a home let alone money to see the Saints play get behind him and think he was worth it. I think Drew Brees made a terrible mistake signing with the Saints. I think the Saints made a terrible mistake signing Drew Brees. But, most of all for once in my life I actually think the Chargers made a smart move. They did what any team should have done. Look over your grill and if you see any meat that looks questionable, you should probably toss it. No reason to take a chance just cause the fat guy in the corner is hungry. Slap a new piece of meat on there and hope it comes out like the rest of ‘em – well done and covered in cheese. Peace out Drew Brees, good luck in the French Quarter and remember just cause they call it gumbo don’t mean it’s not a hooker.
*I say Ryan Leaf was a good draft pick, cause no one saw or could have predicted that he would end up being the shittiest person alive.
So as a Chargers “fan”(and I put “fan” in quotes because it makes more sense) I have learned to deal with certain quirks that San Diego teams have:
1) We don’t ever get the “good” players, unless:
a. We got lucky in the draft. Which has happened twice (LT and Ryan Leaf*).
b. We acquire players before they become good and trade them as a “prospect” to another team for someone like Kwame Lassiter.
c. We acquire players after they have hit there prime in free agency or in the aforementioned trade (in which we trade a player who will be good for a player who has one leg and is blind but used to be Jesus)
2) Our teams will never win a championship. Unless they are the Gulls (Semi-Pro Hockey) or the Sockers (Semi-Pro Indoor Soccer – who are actually the most winning-est franchise in San Diego Sports history and that makes San Diego collectively more gay than any other city. Sorry San Francisco, your just not gay enough anymore.). I have grown to accept that a super bowl ring will never have the bolt engraved in it or I’ll never attend a World Series game sitting next to the western metal supply building.
3) We don’t spend money unless we are certain it will not work out for us (Ryan Leaf, Philip Rivers, David Boston, Sean Salisbury). Our one condition for tossing money at players is apparently only if we have some inside information that they will not turn out in our favor. This is true for The Chargers and Padres (and sometimes The Gulls). Which leads me to this…
4) “The San Diego Discount”. This is a phrase really smart ESPN folks and professional athletes and agents have come up with. It means that to play sports in San Diego you get all the weather, attractive women and beaches, but in exchange you won’t make as much money. I think this is a myth. Only one time has this theory ever rung true: Tony Gwynn. He took less money to stay in San Diego. Why is this the only time it’s really happened? Because Tony Gwynn is the only player good enough to actually have to take a discount. Everyone else was either paid there worth or were greedy and deserved purgatory on the Bills…or the Saints…which leads me to:
…DREW BREES. I would first like to say that I always liked Drew Brees. I saw him play with Purdue and thought he was an underappreciated talent. When the Chargers drafted him instead of Michael Vick I was extremely happy. I’d rather have a Boilermaker over a Hokie any day. I mean what the hell is a Hokie anyway? Is it that thing on Frank Beamer’s neck? Regardless, I liked him. But, at no point did I anticipate him as a permanent Charger. Nothing about him screams loyalty – it just screams look at my hot wife or that Gorbachev thing on my cheek. I in no way thought he would be with us longer than two years. I mean we had Flutie^ for Christ’s sake (^See point No. 1 sec. C from above)! I thought Brees would be a good backup plan and maybe see some snaps but he wasn’t going to be the next Dan Fouts. Dan Fouts had a beard. Drew Brees did not and has never had a beard. I had never given up on Drew Brees I just never gave him a chance – like cocaine or “Scrubs”. My friend and fellow Sports Minute columnist Nick McCann (who is an authority on absolutely nothing except my life) told me you can’t give up on a Quarterback until his fourth year. I agreed only to shut him up and then saw his very theory be proven right. Look at Vick or Eli Manning or even early Elway – they were thrown to wolves and the wolves chowed down. Some came out with scars and learned from it, some just died. Brees was given time to learn from fellow hobbit QB Flutie, and in his fourth year had the best year for a Charger QB since Stan Humphries in ’94. Brees only threw 7 picks in ’04 and had a QB rating over 100.0! I mean come on – fuck yes! Unfortunately, that year the Bolts brass lost trust in Brees and drafted Philip Rivers to battle for the starting job. Which has culminated to the events of this month. Brees feeling unwanted decided to take his birthmark and go elsewhere. It was either The Dolphins or Saints and since The Dolphins acquired Culpepper the Saints seemed like home. Now, I still like Brees and I think he has a lot of talent. Do I think he could have led the Chargers to the Super Bowl? No. Do I think he could lead the Saints to the Super Bowl? Hell no. The Saints, apparently forgetting Brees last game of the year where he tore up his shoulder, gave him a 6-year $60 million dollar deal! This was definitely Brees out for the dough. How on Earth could he think “Ah yes, the Saints. They are an organization that is headed in the right direction – assuming they have a place to play and another good player on the team besides Joe Horn”. Who will protect him? Who will he throw to? Who will he hand off to? Who will tend to his wife? Drew Brees has been in this situation before and it wasn’t that long ago and if I remember correctly he didn’t like it. In fact no one liked it, not even the city he played in. And we certainly didn’t give him sixty mill!! Not only does he have the normal pressure of being the QB he was for the Bolts on an entirely new team; but now he has to be so damn good that the whole Hurricane-ridden, poor desolated city of New Orleans where most people still don’t have a home let alone money to see the Saints play get behind him and think he was worth it. I think Drew Brees made a terrible mistake signing with the Saints. I think the Saints made a terrible mistake signing Drew Brees. But, most of all for once in my life I actually think the Chargers made a smart move. They did what any team should have done. Look over your grill and if you see any meat that looks questionable, you should probably toss it. No reason to take a chance just cause the fat guy in the corner is hungry. Slap a new piece of meat on there and hope it comes out like the rest of ‘em – well done and covered in cheese. Peace out Drew Brees, good luck in the French Quarter and remember just cause they call it gumbo don’t mean it’s not a hooker.
*I say Ryan Leaf was a good draft pick, cause no one saw or could have predicted that he would end up being the shittiest person alive.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
you're welcome.
i like sports
and minutes
sports minutes
ive kind of been drinking tonight...
baseball football drink.
and minutes
sports minutes
ive kind of been drinking tonight...
baseball football drink.
