The Sports Minute

Barry Bonds recently announced that he will retire from baseball after this year, home run record or no. Giants fans are bummed, baseball fans are stoked. Most of these baseball fans pray that Barry doesn't achieve the record. They want him fail and fail spectacularly, because they think he's a cheater. Even if he is a cheater, I'm siding with Giants fans(this and homosexuality are the only things we agree about).

I want to see Barry Bonds break Aaron's home run record for lots of reasons. Following is a sampling of them:

1. Barry Bonds has hit more Home Runs against the Padres than any other team in baseball. I've seen approximately 50 of these in person and watched another 6,000 or so on T.V. If Barry doesn't break that record, I've just witnessed Barry hit nearly 1,000,000 Home Runs against my dearly beloved team with no positive benefits. If Barry does break the record, then I've been part of history. As we all know being a part of an individual's history is more important than the Padres winning five or six more games per year. Those Padres teams were worthless(I think I was 19 before I witnessed a Padres win in person), I'd like those hours I spent at Jack Murphy Stadium to be worth more than memories with my Dad(Just kidding, my Dad only took me to one baseball game, and it was in Detroit, where he lives)*.

2. I'm sick of hearing old people talk about how they were at a game in which Aaron hit a home run. By this time next year, their old person reminiscing will be worthless. They'll start to talk about Aaron and I'll be able to punch them in the face and say, "I lived in the Barry Bonds era, and I saw all his games in color on a television, and I watched highlights on Sportscenter and you are an old man and you have no usefulness left in your body, now go have a stroke or die of old age, and fucking hurry." God, I hate old people.

3. Everyone remembers the footage of Aaron rounding the bases and a man runs up to him, and for a brief moment everyone thinks that guy might stab Aaron, instead the man just pats him on the back. If Barry breaks the record, the dude that does run up to him probably will stab him, and I'd really like to see that.

In conclusion, Go Barry.

* For those who don't know, Detroit is really far away from San Diego. But I'm not bitter. Really, I'm actually not, it's just fun to joke about having a dead beat Dad, because people don't laugh, they feel bad for you, then they sleep with you.