Sunday, February 12, 2006
Who Says NASCAR Sucks?
I do. Here's why:
1) The sport essentially is glorifying the left turn. What about the right turn? Are we neglecting the right turn as a society? Is this something we should be teaching our kids? What happens when they grow up? They try to turn right on a red (which they’re taught is legal) and someone punches them in the face and says "Jeff Gordon never turns right - Fag!" It's not positive. Especially when the person doing the punching will probably be wearing a Marlboro hat. If you ask me its prejudice and I won't stand for it.
2) We give these "athletes" money and trophies (sometimes floral arrangements and gigantic bottles of sparkling cider) if they drive the fastest. So when a cop pulls me over for speeding - can I tell him I was just practicing? How can there be a "sport" that's illegal for people without southern accents* to attempt? I've never seen anyone getting arrested for going 200mph around a track. But, if you spin out on a baseball field - then it's jail time! It makes no sense.
3) All jokes and somewhat witty remarks aside - NASCAR seriously sucks. Seriously, I've never seen something so useless for people to cheer for. I'm waiting for the off-season when die hard NASCAR fans line up at stop lights at intersections; set up coolers and chairs and just go nuts! Cheering for NASCAR is like cheering for Freeze Tag. And if you buy NASCAR gear - well, you might as well be a white guy wearing FUBU – you’re an idiot. The only positive I see in NASCAR is when like today; I saw a twelve year old kid wearing a shirt with a huge Smirnoff Ice logo on it and underneath it real small were the words "Racing". So at least NASCAR is promoting with the future in mind, by selling kids size shirts with alcoholic beverages on them to “support” your favorite "Racing Team" (Like Michael Waltrip needs another house). I say start them early. So when there old enough to drive they know what to drink before they do. NASCAR - the sport that's ruining America one drunken kid at a time! They say that in five years NASCAR will be the biggest sport in America. I’ll also take this opportunity to announce that in five years I will be moving to Canada. I know a lot of people think Baseball is boring, but how on Earth could anyone think NASCAR is more exciting? It basically comes down to this and only this: If Kid Rock hangs out with you – you are white trash and will never ever be cool.
*And don’t tell me NASCAR is not a southern sport. Okay, there are a few west coast guys here and there, but there are also a few black guys in Hockey. In fact thinking about it I’ve never seen a black pro race car driver. I wonder why? I think because they know what happens when they get around a bunch of rich white guys from the south. It doesn’t involve not dying. In an interview with Dale Earnhardt, Jr. he says “People think NASCAR’s just a bunch a rednecks running moonshine and outrunning cops.” Sounds like the Dukes of Hazard to me and sounds a lot better than NASCAR! Maybe people think that because they wish the Winston Cup was just one big episode of the Duke Boys outwitting Boss Hog. It’s from the South just like Soccer is from well…not America. And that’s the way we like it.
1) The sport essentially is glorifying the left turn. What about the right turn? Are we neglecting the right turn as a society? Is this something we should be teaching our kids? What happens when they grow up? They try to turn right on a red (which they’re taught is legal) and someone punches them in the face and says "Jeff Gordon never turns right - Fag!" It's not positive. Especially when the person doing the punching will probably be wearing a Marlboro hat. If you ask me its prejudice and I won't stand for it.
2) We give these "athletes" money and trophies (sometimes floral arrangements and gigantic bottles of sparkling cider) if they drive the fastest. So when a cop pulls me over for speeding - can I tell him I was just practicing? How can there be a "sport" that's illegal for people without southern accents* to attempt? I've never seen anyone getting arrested for going 200mph around a track. But, if you spin out on a baseball field - then it's jail time! It makes no sense.
3) All jokes and somewhat witty remarks aside - NASCAR seriously sucks. Seriously, I've never seen something so useless for people to cheer for. I'm waiting for the off-season when die hard NASCAR fans line up at stop lights at intersections; set up coolers and chairs and just go nuts! Cheering for NASCAR is like cheering for Freeze Tag. And if you buy NASCAR gear - well, you might as well be a white guy wearing FUBU – you’re an idiot. The only positive I see in NASCAR is when like today; I saw a twelve year old kid wearing a shirt with a huge Smirnoff Ice logo on it and underneath it real small were the words "Racing". So at least NASCAR is promoting with the future in mind, by selling kids size shirts with alcoholic beverages on them to “support” your favorite "Racing Team" (Like Michael Waltrip needs another house). I say start them early. So when there old enough to drive they know what to drink before they do. NASCAR - the sport that's ruining America one drunken kid at a time! They say that in five years NASCAR will be the biggest sport in America. I’ll also take this opportunity to announce that in five years I will be moving to Canada. I know a lot of people think Baseball is boring, but how on Earth could anyone think NASCAR is more exciting? It basically comes down to this and only this: If Kid Rock hangs out with you – you are white trash and will never ever be cool.
*And don’t tell me NASCAR is not a southern sport. Okay, there are a few west coast guys here and there, but there are also a few black guys in Hockey. In fact thinking about it I’ve never seen a black pro race car driver. I wonder why? I think because they know what happens when they get around a bunch of rich white guys from the south. It doesn’t involve not dying. In an interview with Dale Earnhardt, Jr. he says “People think NASCAR’s just a bunch a rednecks running moonshine and outrunning cops.” Sounds like the Dukes of Hazard to me and sounds a lot better than NASCAR! Maybe people think that because they wish the Winston Cup was just one big episode of the Duke Boys outwitting Boss Hog. It’s from the South just like Soccer is from well…not America. And that’s the way we like it.
