Sunday, February 19, 2006
The World Baseball Classic
Lately there have been a lot of people who have been asking me my opinion on the World Baseball Classic (or WBC for those who don't like letters). My first question is why is World suddenly interested in Baseball? What, did Soccer all of a sudden get a little boring? Can't say that I'm surprised. Not enough homeruns in Soccer. To myself and most others growing up in the United States you think of Baseball as America's pastime. Sure, football has clearly been the more popular sport in the past 15 years or so, but that's only because football players kill people. Literally. Kill people. How can Baseball compete with that? They've tried with Steroids - but nobody's getting killed they're just dying. Court cases + Media + x* = bigger contract or an honorable mention on some FOX sports list. Regardless of what anybody says or does Baseball was here first so technically it is the 'pastime' (like the American-Indians). But, I always thought Baseball should stay American. I know other countries have teams and play, but I always think of them as the extended minor leagues. I never think of other countries being competitive or on the same level as the US when it comes to something like Baseball (or softball). I guess that's why I'm always shocked when the US team always gets creamed in the Olympics. Granted we use college kids, but we use 'roided up college kids and unless the other teams are full of Ivan Dragos we should be dominating. But, I do think the WBC will be interesting for the sport. Extending its popularity, letting in unknown players and possibly opening the door for better drugs. It should be America just kickin the crap out of everyone. Just like Toby Keith predicted. According to the rosters we definitely have the all-star team. But, lest we learn anything from the 2001-20005 Yankees (or Steve Martin's Shopgirl - just cause it looks good on paper doesn't mean it's gonna work. I mean I have been looking over these rosters again and again and America has to win. Not only was the WBC our idea but God is on our side. So after looking at these rosters and since I have the time, I have decided to give you my country by country abridged break down predicted tournament results - enjoy:
Now, the tourney has been divided up by "pools" (much like march madness), so I will go in "pool" order:
POOL A:
CHINA-
With players like Wei Wang at catcher and Lei Li at second I’m looking for all the “Chen’s”. What happened? Didn’t Weird Al say the Chinese phonebook was filled with “Chen’s”? Regardless, this team has about as much as you do at spelling there names right.
CHINESE TAIPEI-
See Above. But at least I found the “Chen’s”. Wei-Ying Chen, Yi-Wei Chen, Chia-Hung Chen…ok it’s the whole fuckin’ team.
KOREA-
They got “(Yankee) World Series Hero” Byung-Hyun Kim, but unfortunately they got 50 other Kim’s that weren’t ever good enough to blow saves in the Majors. The only way they win is if the USA gives them the trophies in a reverse tribute like the movie “Best of the Best”. (Chris Penn R.I.P.)
JAPAN-
This team could actually win. They’ve beaten the US before in exhibition games before (true, Jack Clark was playing first at the time) and they have a guy named Ichiro! Now, imagine a whole team that fast. Right now, somewhere, John Kruk is losing weight just thinking about having to talk about it on Baseball Tonight.
POOL B:
CANADA-
I actually think Canada might go far in this Tourney. They definitely have the pitching: Erik Bedard, Rheal Cormier and of course Eric Gagne (who most Canadians still think is playing Forward for the Philadelphia Flyers). They do have Jason Bay but they also have other “memorable” Pirates – like Matt Stairs. And here’s a phrase you’ll never hear on television: “and Matt Stairs has just won the first ever World Baseball Classic”!
MEXICO-
After looking at this roster I would like to apologize to the country of Venezuela for confusing these two teams (for clarification read ahead to “Venezuela”). Mexico’s roster reads like a whose who of the disabled list. Ismael Valdes, Vinny Castillo, Erubial Durazo and my favorite Karim Garcia. The hope of Mexico winning rests on the shoulders of Esteban Loazia, which is pretty much like saying “we give up”. No way this team gets to the Finals. Remember the Alamo.
SOUTH AFRICA-
Two Words; Gavin Jeffries. Unless he’s the son of Greg Jeffries (which is still being disputed) than this team should just stay home…in South Africa…where they belong? Does anyone really live there?
USA-
This team will win it all. No way anyone can compete. Jeter, Clemens, Peavy and Derek Lee! And we have the best steroids! It’s a fact! We are the Goliath of this Tourney and I don’t see any David’s. Unless you count Gavin Jeffries. American’s are the modern day Philistines and if it weren’t for God the Philistines would have ruled the Earth. And as Americans we already killed God – so it’s settled – we win!
POOL C:
CUBA-
Roster highlights: Andy Zamora, Vladimir Garcia…let’s be honest I’m scared shitless of this team. We’ll all be lucky if Fidel Castro doesn’t show up and start World War 3 over a blown call at home. The last thing we need is another “13 days”, and Bush ain’t no JFK. I will not be disappointed if all the other countries collectively decide to throw this Tourney to avoid a nuclear war. I will understand. Vive Che! Please don’t kill me.
NETHERLANDS-
This is another team that I believe has chance at going far. But, then again this is the place that Knighted Sidney Ponson. That’s like Ohio making Maurice Clarett the Governor. And looking over the other players that are from the Netherlands how is Ponson the guy they pick to Knight? They got Mark Mulder, Andruw Jones and even Gene Kingsale! I mean come on…those guys should all be before Ponson on the Knighting list. You wouldn’t Knight Elton John before Paul McCartney would you? You probably would…fag. Regardless, if the Netherlands can’t get this right, I doubt they could get a lineup card right. They’ll lose to Chinese Taipei in the second round.
PANAMA-
I don’t care about this team and they have no chance; unless they keep it close till the 8th every game and expect Mariano Rivera to shut it down the rest of the way every time. Not likely. Quick Story: About five years ago a guy named Ruben Rivera played for the Padres (Kevin Towers called him the next Andruw Jones. Towers also called Ryan Klesko the next Phil Nevin). Ruben got traded to the Yankees where he was released for stealing Derek Jeter’s gear and selling it (so he was kinda like the next Andruw Jones). Anyway, Ruben Rivera played centerfield for the Pads back then and we (my group of awesome guy friends) would always sit in right at the old Qualcomm stadium (or the Murph). And one particular night a man claiming to be Ruben Rivera’s cousin was greeting everyone in our section. He called himself “Panama” and told everyone “Ruben is my cousin, and he’s the best that ever played!” this statement led me to believe he actually was his cousin. That night I was picked to guess the attendance (let’s just say I know people) and I was told by stadium employees that “Panama” comes every game Ruben starts. When I sat back down (after I guessed right) my friends and I started to cheer and make fun of “Panama”. When a player messed up he would shout, “Ruben would have had that!” Even though it was a soft grounder to third. I came back a month later and “Panama” was there again, but this time with a huge Panama flag (I mean huge) and was waving it over the centerfield wall above Ruben. “Panama” was then kicked out of the stadium. Now, read that story again and every time I mention “Panama” pretend I’m talking about the country not the person.
PUERTO RICO-
This roster looks good on paper – Javy Lopez, Kiko Calero, Alex Cora, Alex Cintron, Ricky Ledee – wait, I’m sorry I must have been reading something else. Oh, yes I was reading a “Baby Blues” comic. The only way this team has a chance is if instead of playing baseball Rita Moreno and George Chakiris come out and perform the song “Puerto Rico” from West Side Story every game. And even then it’s a toss up, some say Chakiris has lost a step or two since he’s been dead. They are out in the second round.
POOL D:
VENEZUELA-
I’ll be honest and admit that I thought most of this roster was on the Mexican team. But I was wrong – go figure. I could be racist, but I plead ignorance. Tony Armas, Franky Rodriguez and Johan Santana are throwing the ball for this team while Bobby Abreu and Miguel Cabrera are hitting it. And just when I thought this team could go all the way I swerve off the road like Steve Martin* in “Parenthood” when I see whose catching – Wiki Gonzalez – he was a Padre when you could be a Padre. If that doesn’t bum you out his backup is Eddie Perez…and…well…shit. They will lose to the US in the Finals.
AUSTRALIA-
Four words: Relief Pitcher Chris Oxspring. He’s the only Aussie to ever make it to the Major Leagues. He’s now heading to Japan. Chances are you don’t know him, but I do! Why? Because he pitched for the Padres last year. Career stats:
G: 5 W-L: 0-0 ERA: 3.75 IP: 12.0 K: 11 BB: 6 – Wowsers!!
If Paul Hogan plays they might have a chance. Might. But not in Baseball, just in life.
DOMINICAN REPUBLIC-
This is the team Tony Gwynn and Mo Vaughn would have played for. This team features Bartolo Colon, Armando Benitez, Odalis Perez and Wily Mo Pena; and they say America is the fattest country in the world. The only way the Dominican Republic will win it all is if they either put a cheeseburger on every base or they play the District of Columbia.
ITALY-
I would say this team would be my favorite to lose in the first round, but they carry one of my all time favorite players: Joe Vitiello! This guy was a scrappy power hitter who was never quite given the room to put it all together and wound swinging behind some Matsui in the Japan Leagues. He was robbed by Major League Baseball. And we all know what happens when you screw over an Italian – it’s payback time Bud Selig! Some say Vitiello is the poor man’s John Mabry, but I like to think of him as the rich man’s Ben Grieve. But, let’s face it Italy has as much chance as Michael Corleone did at becoming legitimate. Haha, good reference to end on. I know.
So there you have it! Now it’s time to watch and see if I’m at all right. Probably not. Just my luck Chinese Taipei will win the Tourney and Baseball will be ruined as NASCAR takes over in America.
*I realize I referenced Steve Martin twice in this post. I'm sorry, I saw Pink Panther and my life is forever changed.
Now, the tourney has been divided up by "pools" (much like march madness), so I will go in "pool" order:
POOL A:
CHINA-
With players like Wei Wang at catcher and Lei Li at second I’m looking for all the “Chen’s”. What happened? Didn’t Weird Al say the Chinese phonebook was filled with “Chen’s”? Regardless, this team has about as much as you do at spelling there names right.
CHINESE TAIPEI-
See Above. But at least I found the “Chen’s”. Wei-Ying Chen, Yi-Wei Chen, Chia-Hung Chen…ok it’s the whole fuckin’ team.
KOREA-
They got “(Yankee) World Series Hero” Byung-Hyun Kim, but unfortunately they got 50 other Kim’s that weren’t ever good enough to blow saves in the Majors. The only way they win is if the USA gives them the trophies in a reverse tribute like the movie “Best of the Best”. (Chris Penn R.I.P.)
JAPAN-
This team could actually win. They’ve beaten the US before in exhibition games before (true, Jack Clark was playing first at the time) and they have a guy named Ichiro! Now, imagine a whole team that fast. Right now, somewhere, John Kruk is losing weight just thinking about having to talk about it on Baseball Tonight.
POOL B:
CANADA-
I actually think Canada might go far in this Tourney. They definitely have the pitching: Erik Bedard, Rheal Cormier and of course Eric Gagne (who most Canadians still think is playing Forward for the Philadelphia Flyers). They do have Jason Bay but they also have other “memorable” Pirates – like Matt Stairs. And here’s a phrase you’ll never hear on television: “and Matt Stairs has just won the first ever World Baseball Classic”!
MEXICO-
After looking at this roster I would like to apologize to the country of Venezuela for confusing these two teams (for clarification read ahead to “Venezuela”). Mexico’s roster reads like a whose who of the disabled list. Ismael Valdes, Vinny Castillo, Erubial Durazo and my favorite Karim Garcia. The hope of Mexico winning rests on the shoulders of Esteban Loazia, which is pretty much like saying “we give up”. No way this team gets to the Finals. Remember the Alamo.
SOUTH AFRICA-
Two Words; Gavin Jeffries. Unless he’s the son of Greg Jeffries (which is still being disputed) than this team should just stay home…in South Africa…where they belong? Does anyone really live there?
USA-
This team will win it all. No way anyone can compete. Jeter, Clemens, Peavy and Derek Lee! And we have the best steroids! It’s a fact! We are the Goliath of this Tourney and I don’t see any David’s. Unless you count Gavin Jeffries. American’s are the modern day Philistines and if it weren’t for God the Philistines would have ruled the Earth. And as Americans we already killed God – so it’s settled – we win!
POOL C:
CUBA-
Roster highlights: Andy Zamora, Vladimir Garcia…let’s be honest I’m scared shitless of this team. We’ll all be lucky if Fidel Castro doesn’t show up and start World War 3 over a blown call at home. The last thing we need is another “13 days”, and Bush ain’t no JFK. I will not be disappointed if all the other countries collectively decide to throw this Tourney to avoid a nuclear war. I will understand. Vive Che! Please don’t kill me.
NETHERLANDS-
This is another team that I believe has chance at going far. But, then again this is the place that Knighted Sidney Ponson. That’s like Ohio making Maurice Clarett the Governor. And looking over the other players that are from the Netherlands how is Ponson the guy they pick to Knight? They got Mark Mulder, Andruw Jones and even Gene Kingsale! I mean come on…those guys should all be before Ponson on the Knighting list. You wouldn’t Knight Elton John before Paul McCartney would you? You probably would…fag. Regardless, if the Netherlands can’t get this right, I doubt they could get a lineup card right. They’ll lose to Chinese Taipei in the second round.
PANAMA-
I don’t care about this team and they have no chance; unless they keep it close till the 8th every game and expect Mariano Rivera to shut it down the rest of the way every time. Not likely. Quick Story: About five years ago a guy named Ruben Rivera played for the Padres (Kevin Towers called him the next Andruw Jones. Towers also called Ryan Klesko the next Phil Nevin). Ruben got traded to the Yankees where he was released for stealing Derek Jeter’s gear and selling it (so he was kinda like the next Andruw Jones). Anyway, Ruben Rivera played centerfield for the Pads back then and we (my group of awesome guy friends) would always sit in right at the old Qualcomm stadium (or the Murph). And one particular night a man claiming to be Ruben Rivera’s cousin was greeting everyone in our section. He called himself “Panama” and told everyone “Ruben is my cousin, and he’s the best that ever played!” this statement led me to believe he actually was his cousin. That night I was picked to guess the attendance (let’s just say I know people) and I was told by stadium employees that “Panama” comes every game Ruben starts. When I sat back down (after I guessed right) my friends and I started to cheer and make fun of “Panama”. When a player messed up he would shout, “Ruben would have had that!” Even though it was a soft grounder to third. I came back a month later and “Panama” was there again, but this time with a huge Panama flag (I mean huge) and was waving it over the centerfield wall above Ruben. “Panama” was then kicked out of the stadium. Now, read that story again and every time I mention “Panama” pretend I’m talking about the country not the person.
PUERTO RICO-
This roster looks good on paper – Javy Lopez, Kiko Calero, Alex Cora, Alex Cintron, Ricky Ledee – wait, I’m sorry I must have been reading something else. Oh, yes I was reading a “Baby Blues” comic. The only way this team has a chance is if instead of playing baseball Rita Moreno and George Chakiris come out and perform the song “Puerto Rico” from West Side Story every game. And even then it’s a toss up, some say Chakiris has lost a step or two since he’s been dead. They are out in the second round.
POOL D:
VENEZUELA-
I’ll be honest and admit that I thought most of this roster was on the Mexican team. But I was wrong – go figure. I could be racist, but I plead ignorance. Tony Armas, Franky Rodriguez and Johan Santana are throwing the ball for this team while Bobby Abreu and Miguel Cabrera are hitting it. And just when I thought this team could go all the way I swerve off the road like Steve Martin* in “Parenthood” when I see whose catching – Wiki Gonzalez – he was a Padre when you could be a Padre. If that doesn’t bum you out his backup is Eddie Perez…and…well…shit. They will lose to the US in the Finals.
AUSTRALIA-
Four words: Relief Pitcher Chris Oxspring. He’s the only Aussie to ever make it to the Major Leagues. He’s now heading to Japan. Chances are you don’t know him, but I do! Why? Because he pitched for the Padres last year. Career stats:
G: 5 W-L: 0-0 ERA: 3.75 IP: 12.0 K: 11 BB: 6 – Wowsers!!
If Paul Hogan plays they might have a chance. Might. But not in Baseball, just in life.
DOMINICAN REPUBLIC-
This is the team Tony Gwynn and Mo Vaughn would have played for. This team features Bartolo Colon, Armando Benitez, Odalis Perez and Wily Mo Pena; and they say America is the fattest country in the world. The only way the Dominican Republic will win it all is if they either put a cheeseburger on every base or they play the District of Columbia.
ITALY-
I would say this team would be my favorite to lose in the first round, but they carry one of my all time favorite players: Joe Vitiello! This guy was a scrappy power hitter who was never quite given the room to put it all together and wound swinging behind some Matsui in the Japan Leagues. He was robbed by Major League Baseball. And we all know what happens when you screw over an Italian – it’s payback time Bud Selig! Some say Vitiello is the poor man’s John Mabry, but I like to think of him as the rich man’s Ben Grieve. But, let’s face it Italy has as much chance as Michael Corleone did at becoming legitimate. Haha, good reference to end on. I know.
So there you have it! Now it’s time to watch and see if I’m at all right. Probably not. Just my luck Chinese Taipei will win the Tourney and Baseball will be ruined as NASCAR takes over in America.
*I realize I referenced Steve Martin twice in this post. I'm sorry, I saw Pink Panther and my life is forever changed.
