Monday, February 27, 2006
Official Competition
It seems that The Sports Minute has caught some serious momentum. We've officially attracted attention from the Right, here is their response to our website:
http://www.christiansportsminute.com/
Don't worry, we will not back down. We will win the fight.
http://www.christiansportsminute.com/
Don't worry, we will not back down. We will win the fight.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Barry Bonds Pun Here
Barry Bonds recently announced that he will retire from baseball after this year, home run record or no. Giants fans are bummed, baseball fans are stoked. Most of these baseball fans pray that Barry doesn't achieve the record. They want him fail and fail spectacularly, because they think he's a cheater. Even if he is a cheater, I'm siding with Giants fans(this and homosexuality are the only things we agree about).
I want to see Barry Bonds break Aaron's home run record for lots of reasons. Following is a sampling of them:
1. Barry Bonds has hit more Home Runs against the Padres than any other team in baseball. I've seen approximately 50 of these in person and watched another 6,000 or so on T.V. If Barry doesn't break that record, I've just witnessed Barry hit nearly 1,000,000 Home Runs against my dearly beloved team with no positive benefits. If Barry does break the record, then I've been part of history. As we all know being a part of an individual's history is more important than the Padres winning five or six more games per year. Those Padres teams were worthless(I think I was 19 before I witnessed a Padres win in person), I'd like those hours I spent at Jack Murphy Stadium to be worth more than memories with my Dad(Just kidding, my Dad only took me to one baseball game, and it was in Detroit, where he lives)*.
2. I'm sick of hearing old people talk about how they were at a game in which Aaron hit a home run. By this time next year, their old person reminiscing will be worthless. They'll start to talk about Aaron and I'll be able to punch them in the face and say, "I lived in the Barry Bonds era, and I saw all his games in color on a television, and I watched highlights on Sportscenter and you are an old man and you have no usefulness left in your body, now go have a stroke or die of old age, and fucking hurry." God, I hate old people.
3. Everyone remembers the footage of Aaron rounding the bases and a man runs up to him, and for a brief moment everyone thinks that guy might stab Aaron, instead the man just pats him on the back. If Barry breaks the record, the dude that does run up to him probably will stab him, and I'd really like to see that.
In conclusion, Go Barry.
* For those who don't know, Detroit is really far away from San Diego. But I'm not bitter. Really, I'm actually not, it's just fun to joke about having a dead beat Dad, because people don't laugh, they feel bad for you, then they sleep with you.
I want to see Barry Bonds break Aaron's home run record for lots of reasons. Following is a sampling of them:
1. Barry Bonds has hit more Home Runs against the Padres than any other team in baseball. I've seen approximately 50 of these in person and watched another 6,000 or so on T.V. If Barry doesn't break that record, I've just witnessed Barry hit nearly 1,000,000 Home Runs against my dearly beloved team with no positive benefits. If Barry does break the record, then I've been part of history. As we all know being a part of an individual's history is more important than the Padres winning five or six more games per year. Those Padres teams were worthless(I think I was 19 before I witnessed a Padres win in person), I'd like those hours I spent at Jack Murphy Stadium to be worth more than memories with my Dad(Just kidding, my Dad only took me to one baseball game, and it was in Detroit, where he lives)*.
2. I'm sick of hearing old people talk about how they were at a game in which Aaron hit a home run. By this time next year, their old person reminiscing will be worthless. They'll start to talk about Aaron and I'll be able to punch them in the face and say, "I lived in the Barry Bonds era, and I saw all his games in color on a television, and I watched highlights on Sportscenter and you are an old man and you have no usefulness left in your body, now go have a stroke or die of old age, and fucking hurry." God, I hate old people.
3. Everyone remembers the footage of Aaron rounding the bases and a man runs up to him, and for a brief moment everyone thinks that guy might stab Aaron, instead the man just pats him on the back. If Barry breaks the record, the dude that does run up to him probably will stab him, and I'd really like to see that.
In conclusion, Go Barry.
* For those who don't know, Detroit is really far away from San Diego. But I'm not bitter. Really, I'm actually not, it's just fun to joke about having a dead beat Dad, because people don't laugh, they feel bad for you, then they sleep with you.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
The World Baseball Classic
Lately there have been a lot of people who have been asking me my opinion on the World Baseball Classic (or WBC for those who don't like letters). My first question is why is World suddenly interested in Baseball? What, did Soccer all of a sudden get a little boring? Can't say that I'm surprised. Not enough homeruns in Soccer. To myself and most others growing up in the United States you think of Baseball as America's pastime. Sure, football has clearly been the more popular sport in the past 15 years or so, but that's only because football players kill people. Literally. Kill people. How can Baseball compete with that? They've tried with Steroids - but nobody's getting killed they're just dying. Court cases + Media + x* = bigger contract or an honorable mention on some FOX sports list. Regardless of what anybody says or does Baseball was here first so technically it is the 'pastime' (like the American-Indians). But, I always thought Baseball should stay American. I know other countries have teams and play, but I always think of them as the extended minor leagues. I never think of other countries being competitive or on the same level as the US when it comes to something like Baseball (or softball). I guess that's why I'm always shocked when the US team always gets creamed in the Olympics. Granted we use college kids, but we use 'roided up college kids and unless the other teams are full of Ivan Dragos we should be dominating. But, I do think the WBC will be interesting for the sport. Extending its popularity, letting in unknown players and possibly opening the door for better drugs. It should be America just kickin the crap out of everyone. Just like Toby Keith predicted. According to the rosters we definitely have the all-star team. But, lest we learn anything from the 2001-20005 Yankees (or Steve Martin's Shopgirl - just cause it looks good on paper doesn't mean it's gonna work. I mean I have been looking over these rosters again and again and America has to win. Not only was the WBC our idea but God is on our side. So after looking at these rosters and since I have the time, I have decided to give you my country by country abridged break down predicted tournament results - enjoy:
Now, the tourney has been divided up by "pools" (much like march madness), so I will go in "pool" order:
POOL A:
CHINA-
With players like Wei Wang at catcher and Lei Li at second I’m looking for all the “Chen’s”. What happened? Didn’t Weird Al say the Chinese phonebook was filled with “Chen’s”? Regardless, this team has about as much as you do at spelling there names right.
CHINESE TAIPEI-
See Above. But at least I found the “Chen’s”. Wei-Ying Chen, Yi-Wei Chen, Chia-Hung Chen…ok it’s the whole fuckin’ team.
KOREA-
They got “(Yankee) World Series Hero” Byung-Hyun Kim, but unfortunately they got 50 other Kim’s that weren’t ever good enough to blow saves in the Majors. The only way they win is if the USA gives them the trophies in a reverse tribute like the movie “Best of the Best”. (Chris Penn R.I.P.)
JAPAN-
This team could actually win. They’ve beaten the US before in exhibition games before (true, Jack Clark was playing first at the time) and they have a guy named Ichiro! Now, imagine a whole team that fast. Right now, somewhere, John Kruk is losing weight just thinking about having to talk about it on Baseball Tonight.
POOL B:
CANADA-
I actually think Canada might go far in this Tourney. They definitely have the pitching: Erik Bedard, Rheal Cormier and of course Eric Gagne (who most Canadians still think is playing Forward for the Philadelphia Flyers). They do have Jason Bay but they also have other “memorable” Pirates – like Matt Stairs. And here’s a phrase you’ll never hear on television: “and Matt Stairs has just won the first ever World Baseball Classic”!
MEXICO-
After looking at this roster I would like to apologize to the country of Venezuela for confusing these two teams (for clarification read ahead to “Venezuela”). Mexico’s roster reads like a whose who of the disabled list. Ismael Valdes, Vinny Castillo, Erubial Durazo and my favorite Karim Garcia. The hope of Mexico winning rests on the shoulders of Esteban Loazia, which is pretty much like saying “we give up”. No way this team gets to the Finals. Remember the Alamo.
SOUTH AFRICA-
Two Words; Gavin Jeffries. Unless he’s the son of Greg Jeffries (which is still being disputed) than this team should just stay home…in South Africa…where they belong? Does anyone really live there?
USA-
This team will win it all. No way anyone can compete. Jeter, Clemens, Peavy and Derek Lee! And we have the best steroids! It’s a fact! We are the Goliath of this Tourney and I don’t see any David’s. Unless you count Gavin Jeffries. American’s are the modern day Philistines and if it weren’t for God the Philistines would have ruled the Earth. And as Americans we already killed God – so it’s settled – we win!
POOL C:
CUBA-
Roster highlights: Andy Zamora, Vladimir Garcia…let’s be honest I’m scared shitless of this team. We’ll all be lucky if Fidel Castro doesn’t show up and start World War 3 over a blown call at home. The last thing we need is another “13 days”, and Bush ain’t no JFK. I will not be disappointed if all the other countries collectively decide to throw this Tourney to avoid a nuclear war. I will understand. Vive Che! Please don’t kill me.
NETHERLANDS-
This is another team that I believe has chance at going far. But, then again this is the place that Knighted Sidney Ponson. That’s like Ohio making Maurice Clarett the Governor. And looking over the other players that are from the Netherlands how is Ponson the guy they pick to Knight? They got Mark Mulder, Andruw Jones and even Gene Kingsale! I mean come on…those guys should all be before Ponson on the Knighting list. You wouldn’t Knight Elton John before Paul McCartney would you? You probably would…fag. Regardless, if the Netherlands can’t get this right, I doubt they could get a lineup card right. They’ll lose to Chinese Taipei in the second round.
PANAMA-
I don’t care about this team and they have no chance; unless they keep it close till the 8th every game and expect Mariano Rivera to shut it down the rest of the way every time. Not likely. Quick Story: About five years ago a guy named Ruben Rivera played for the Padres (Kevin Towers called him the next Andruw Jones. Towers also called Ryan Klesko the next Phil Nevin). Ruben got traded to the Yankees where he was released for stealing Derek Jeter’s gear and selling it (so he was kinda like the next Andruw Jones). Anyway, Ruben Rivera played centerfield for the Pads back then and we (my group of awesome guy friends) would always sit in right at the old Qualcomm stadium (or the Murph). And one particular night a man claiming to be Ruben Rivera’s cousin was greeting everyone in our section. He called himself “Panama” and told everyone “Ruben is my cousin, and he’s the best that ever played!” this statement led me to believe he actually was his cousin. That night I was picked to guess the attendance (let’s just say I know people) and I was told by stadium employees that “Panama” comes every game Ruben starts. When I sat back down (after I guessed right) my friends and I started to cheer and make fun of “Panama”. When a player messed up he would shout, “Ruben would have had that!” Even though it was a soft grounder to third. I came back a month later and “Panama” was there again, but this time with a huge Panama flag (I mean huge) and was waving it over the centerfield wall above Ruben. “Panama” was then kicked out of the stadium. Now, read that story again and every time I mention “Panama” pretend I’m talking about the country not the person.
PUERTO RICO-
This roster looks good on paper – Javy Lopez, Kiko Calero, Alex Cora, Alex Cintron, Ricky Ledee – wait, I’m sorry I must have been reading something else. Oh, yes I was reading a “Baby Blues” comic. The only way this team has a chance is if instead of playing baseball Rita Moreno and George Chakiris come out and perform the song “Puerto Rico” from West Side Story every game. And even then it’s a toss up, some say Chakiris has lost a step or two since he’s been dead. They are out in the second round.
POOL D:
VENEZUELA-
I’ll be honest and admit that I thought most of this roster was on the Mexican team. But I was wrong – go figure. I could be racist, but I plead ignorance. Tony Armas, Franky Rodriguez and Johan Santana are throwing the ball for this team while Bobby Abreu and Miguel Cabrera are hitting it. And just when I thought this team could go all the way I swerve off the road like Steve Martin* in “Parenthood” when I see whose catching – Wiki Gonzalez – he was a Padre when you could be a Padre. If that doesn’t bum you out his backup is Eddie Perez…and…well…shit. They will lose to the US in the Finals.
AUSTRALIA-
Four words: Relief Pitcher Chris Oxspring. He’s the only Aussie to ever make it to the Major Leagues. He’s now heading to Japan. Chances are you don’t know him, but I do! Why? Because he pitched for the Padres last year. Career stats:
G: 5 W-L: 0-0 ERA: 3.75 IP: 12.0 K: 11 BB: 6 – Wowsers!!
If Paul Hogan plays they might have a chance. Might. But not in Baseball, just in life.
DOMINICAN REPUBLIC-
This is the team Tony Gwynn and Mo Vaughn would have played for. This team features Bartolo Colon, Armando Benitez, Odalis Perez and Wily Mo Pena; and they say America is the fattest country in the world. The only way the Dominican Republic will win it all is if they either put a cheeseburger on every base or they play the District of Columbia.
ITALY-
I would say this team would be my favorite to lose in the first round, but they carry one of my all time favorite players: Joe Vitiello! This guy was a scrappy power hitter who was never quite given the room to put it all together and wound swinging behind some Matsui in the Japan Leagues. He was robbed by Major League Baseball. And we all know what happens when you screw over an Italian – it’s payback time Bud Selig! Some say Vitiello is the poor man’s John Mabry, but I like to think of him as the rich man’s Ben Grieve. But, let’s face it Italy has as much chance as Michael Corleone did at becoming legitimate. Haha, good reference to end on. I know.
So there you have it! Now it’s time to watch and see if I’m at all right. Probably not. Just my luck Chinese Taipei will win the Tourney and Baseball will be ruined as NASCAR takes over in America.
*I realize I referenced Steve Martin twice in this post. I'm sorry, I saw Pink Panther and my life is forever changed.
Now, the tourney has been divided up by "pools" (much like march madness), so I will go in "pool" order:
POOL A:
CHINA-
With players like Wei Wang at catcher and Lei Li at second I’m looking for all the “Chen’s”. What happened? Didn’t Weird Al say the Chinese phonebook was filled with “Chen’s”? Regardless, this team has about as much as you do at spelling there names right.
CHINESE TAIPEI-
See Above. But at least I found the “Chen’s”. Wei-Ying Chen, Yi-Wei Chen, Chia-Hung Chen…ok it’s the whole fuckin’ team.
KOREA-
They got “(Yankee) World Series Hero” Byung-Hyun Kim, but unfortunately they got 50 other Kim’s that weren’t ever good enough to blow saves in the Majors. The only way they win is if the USA gives them the trophies in a reverse tribute like the movie “Best of the Best”. (Chris Penn R.I.P.)
JAPAN-
This team could actually win. They’ve beaten the US before in exhibition games before (true, Jack Clark was playing first at the time) and they have a guy named Ichiro! Now, imagine a whole team that fast. Right now, somewhere, John Kruk is losing weight just thinking about having to talk about it on Baseball Tonight.
POOL B:
CANADA-
I actually think Canada might go far in this Tourney. They definitely have the pitching: Erik Bedard, Rheal Cormier and of course Eric Gagne (who most Canadians still think is playing Forward for the Philadelphia Flyers). They do have Jason Bay but they also have other “memorable” Pirates – like Matt Stairs. And here’s a phrase you’ll never hear on television: “and Matt Stairs has just won the first ever World Baseball Classic”!
MEXICO-
After looking at this roster I would like to apologize to the country of Venezuela for confusing these two teams (for clarification read ahead to “Venezuela”). Mexico’s roster reads like a whose who of the disabled list. Ismael Valdes, Vinny Castillo, Erubial Durazo and my favorite Karim Garcia. The hope of Mexico winning rests on the shoulders of Esteban Loazia, which is pretty much like saying “we give up”. No way this team gets to the Finals. Remember the Alamo.
SOUTH AFRICA-
Two Words; Gavin Jeffries. Unless he’s the son of Greg Jeffries (which is still being disputed) than this team should just stay home…in South Africa…where they belong? Does anyone really live there?
USA-
This team will win it all. No way anyone can compete. Jeter, Clemens, Peavy and Derek Lee! And we have the best steroids! It’s a fact! We are the Goliath of this Tourney and I don’t see any David’s. Unless you count Gavin Jeffries. American’s are the modern day Philistines and if it weren’t for God the Philistines would have ruled the Earth. And as Americans we already killed God – so it’s settled – we win!
POOL C:
CUBA-
Roster highlights: Andy Zamora, Vladimir Garcia…let’s be honest I’m scared shitless of this team. We’ll all be lucky if Fidel Castro doesn’t show up and start World War 3 over a blown call at home. The last thing we need is another “13 days”, and Bush ain’t no JFK. I will not be disappointed if all the other countries collectively decide to throw this Tourney to avoid a nuclear war. I will understand. Vive Che! Please don’t kill me.
NETHERLANDS-
This is another team that I believe has chance at going far. But, then again this is the place that Knighted Sidney Ponson. That’s like Ohio making Maurice Clarett the Governor. And looking over the other players that are from the Netherlands how is Ponson the guy they pick to Knight? They got Mark Mulder, Andruw Jones and even Gene Kingsale! I mean come on…those guys should all be before Ponson on the Knighting list. You wouldn’t Knight Elton John before Paul McCartney would you? You probably would…fag. Regardless, if the Netherlands can’t get this right, I doubt they could get a lineup card right. They’ll lose to Chinese Taipei in the second round.
PANAMA-
I don’t care about this team and they have no chance; unless they keep it close till the 8th every game and expect Mariano Rivera to shut it down the rest of the way every time. Not likely. Quick Story: About five years ago a guy named Ruben Rivera played for the Padres (Kevin Towers called him the next Andruw Jones. Towers also called Ryan Klesko the next Phil Nevin). Ruben got traded to the Yankees where he was released for stealing Derek Jeter’s gear and selling it (so he was kinda like the next Andruw Jones). Anyway, Ruben Rivera played centerfield for the Pads back then and we (my group of awesome guy friends) would always sit in right at the old Qualcomm stadium (or the Murph). And one particular night a man claiming to be Ruben Rivera’s cousin was greeting everyone in our section. He called himself “Panama” and told everyone “Ruben is my cousin, and he’s the best that ever played!” this statement led me to believe he actually was his cousin. That night I was picked to guess the attendance (let’s just say I know people) and I was told by stadium employees that “Panama” comes every game Ruben starts. When I sat back down (after I guessed right) my friends and I started to cheer and make fun of “Panama”. When a player messed up he would shout, “Ruben would have had that!” Even though it was a soft grounder to third. I came back a month later and “Panama” was there again, but this time with a huge Panama flag (I mean huge) and was waving it over the centerfield wall above Ruben. “Panama” was then kicked out of the stadium. Now, read that story again and every time I mention “Panama” pretend I’m talking about the country not the person.
PUERTO RICO-
This roster looks good on paper – Javy Lopez, Kiko Calero, Alex Cora, Alex Cintron, Ricky Ledee – wait, I’m sorry I must have been reading something else. Oh, yes I was reading a “Baby Blues” comic. The only way this team has a chance is if instead of playing baseball Rita Moreno and George Chakiris come out and perform the song “Puerto Rico” from West Side Story every game. And even then it’s a toss up, some say Chakiris has lost a step or two since he’s been dead. They are out in the second round.
POOL D:
VENEZUELA-
I’ll be honest and admit that I thought most of this roster was on the Mexican team. But I was wrong – go figure. I could be racist, but I plead ignorance. Tony Armas, Franky Rodriguez and Johan Santana are throwing the ball for this team while Bobby Abreu and Miguel Cabrera are hitting it. And just when I thought this team could go all the way I swerve off the road like Steve Martin* in “Parenthood” when I see whose catching – Wiki Gonzalez – he was a Padre when you could be a Padre. If that doesn’t bum you out his backup is Eddie Perez…and…well…shit. They will lose to the US in the Finals.
AUSTRALIA-
Four words: Relief Pitcher Chris Oxspring. He’s the only Aussie to ever make it to the Major Leagues. He’s now heading to Japan. Chances are you don’t know him, but I do! Why? Because he pitched for the Padres last year. Career stats:
G: 5 W-L: 0-0 ERA: 3.75 IP: 12.0 K: 11 BB: 6 – Wowsers!!
If Paul Hogan plays they might have a chance. Might. But not in Baseball, just in life.
DOMINICAN REPUBLIC-
This is the team Tony Gwynn and Mo Vaughn would have played for. This team features Bartolo Colon, Armando Benitez, Odalis Perez and Wily Mo Pena; and they say America is the fattest country in the world. The only way the Dominican Republic will win it all is if they either put a cheeseburger on every base or they play the District of Columbia.
ITALY-
I would say this team would be my favorite to lose in the first round, but they carry one of my all time favorite players: Joe Vitiello! This guy was a scrappy power hitter who was never quite given the room to put it all together and wound swinging behind some Matsui in the Japan Leagues. He was robbed by Major League Baseball. And we all know what happens when you screw over an Italian – it’s payback time Bud Selig! Some say Vitiello is the poor man’s John Mabry, but I like to think of him as the rich man’s Ben Grieve. But, let’s face it Italy has as much chance as Michael Corleone did at becoming legitimate. Haha, good reference to end on. I know.
So there you have it! Now it’s time to watch and see if I’m at all right. Probably not. Just my luck Chinese Taipei will win the Tourney and Baseball will be ruined as NASCAR takes over in America.
*I realize I referenced Steve Martin twice in this post. I'm sorry, I saw Pink Panther and my life is forever changed.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Ladies and Gentlemen, Your 2006 Padres
Projected batting order(from Padres.com):
1. LF Dave Roberts: .275 BA, 8 HR, 38 RBI in 2005
2. CF Mike Cameron: .273 BA, 12 HR, 39 RBI in 2005
3. RF Brian Giles: .301 BA, 15 HR, 83 RBI in 2005
4. C Mike Piazza: .251 BA, 19 HR, 62 RBI in 2005
5. 1B Ryan Klesko: .248 BA, 18 HR, 58 RBI in 2005
6. SS Khalil Greene: .250 BA, 15 HR, 70 RBI in 2005
7. 3B Vinny Castilla: .253 BA, 12 HR, 66 RBI in 2005
8. 2B Mark Bellhorn: .210 BA, 8 HR, 30 RBI in 2005
I wish I had a gunshot wound. In the temple or in the heart.
1. LF Dave Roberts: .275 BA, 8 HR, 38 RBI in 2005
2. CF Mike Cameron: .273 BA, 12 HR, 39 RBI in 2005
3. RF Brian Giles: .301 BA, 15 HR, 83 RBI in 2005
4. C Mike Piazza: .251 BA, 19 HR, 62 RBI in 2005
5. 1B Ryan Klesko: .248 BA, 18 HR, 58 RBI in 2005
6. SS Khalil Greene: .250 BA, 15 HR, 70 RBI in 2005
7. 3B Vinny Castilla: .253 BA, 12 HR, 66 RBI in 2005
8. 2B Mark Bellhorn: .210 BA, 8 HR, 30 RBI in 2005
I wish I had a gunshot wound. In the temple or in the heart.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Who Says NASCAR Sucks?
I do. Here's why:
1) The sport essentially is glorifying the left turn. What about the right turn? Are we neglecting the right turn as a society? Is this something we should be teaching our kids? What happens when they grow up? They try to turn right on a red (which they’re taught is legal) and someone punches them in the face and says "Jeff Gordon never turns right - Fag!" It's not positive. Especially when the person doing the punching will probably be wearing a Marlboro hat. If you ask me its prejudice and I won't stand for it.
2) We give these "athletes" money and trophies (sometimes floral arrangements and gigantic bottles of sparkling cider) if they drive the fastest. So when a cop pulls me over for speeding - can I tell him I was just practicing? How can there be a "sport" that's illegal for people without southern accents* to attempt? I've never seen anyone getting arrested for going 200mph around a track. But, if you spin out on a baseball field - then it's jail time! It makes no sense.
3) All jokes and somewhat witty remarks aside - NASCAR seriously sucks. Seriously, I've never seen something so useless for people to cheer for. I'm waiting for the off-season when die hard NASCAR fans line up at stop lights at intersections; set up coolers and chairs and just go nuts! Cheering for NASCAR is like cheering for Freeze Tag. And if you buy NASCAR gear - well, you might as well be a white guy wearing FUBU – you’re an idiot. The only positive I see in NASCAR is when like today; I saw a twelve year old kid wearing a shirt with a huge Smirnoff Ice logo on it and underneath it real small were the words "Racing". So at least NASCAR is promoting with the future in mind, by selling kids size shirts with alcoholic beverages on them to “support” your favorite "Racing Team" (Like Michael Waltrip needs another house). I say start them early. So when there old enough to drive they know what to drink before they do. NASCAR - the sport that's ruining America one drunken kid at a time! They say that in five years NASCAR will be the biggest sport in America. I’ll also take this opportunity to announce that in five years I will be moving to Canada. I know a lot of people think Baseball is boring, but how on Earth could anyone think NASCAR is more exciting? It basically comes down to this and only this: If Kid Rock hangs out with you – you are white trash and will never ever be cool.
*And don’t tell me NASCAR is not a southern sport. Okay, there are a few west coast guys here and there, but there are also a few black guys in Hockey. In fact thinking about it I’ve never seen a black pro race car driver. I wonder why? I think because they know what happens when they get around a bunch of rich white guys from the south. It doesn’t involve not dying. In an interview with Dale Earnhardt, Jr. he says “People think NASCAR’s just a bunch a rednecks running moonshine and outrunning cops.” Sounds like the Dukes of Hazard to me and sounds a lot better than NASCAR! Maybe people think that because they wish the Winston Cup was just one big episode of the Duke Boys outwitting Boss Hog. It’s from the South just like Soccer is from well…not America. And that’s the way we like it.
1) The sport essentially is glorifying the left turn. What about the right turn? Are we neglecting the right turn as a society? Is this something we should be teaching our kids? What happens when they grow up? They try to turn right on a red (which they’re taught is legal) and someone punches them in the face and says "Jeff Gordon never turns right - Fag!" It's not positive. Especially when the person doing the punching will probably be wearing a Marlboro hat. If you ask me its prejudice and I won't stand for it.
2) We give these "athletes" money and trophies (sometimes floral arrangements and gigantic bottles of sparkling cider) if they drive the fastest. So when a cop pulls me over for speeding - can I tell him I was just practicing? How can there be a "sport" that's illegal for people without southern accents* to attempt? I've never seen anyone getting arrested for going 200mph around a track. But, if you spin out on a baseball field - then it's jail time! It makes no sense.
3) All jokes and somewhat witty remarks aside - NASCAR seriously sucks. Seriously, I've never seen something so useless for people to cheer for. I'm waiting for the off-season when die hard NASCAR fans line up at stop lights at intersections; set up coolers and chairs and just go nuts! Cheering for NASCAR is like cheering for Freeze Tag. And if you buy NASCAR gear - well, you might as well be a white guy wearing FUBU – you’re an idiot. The only positive I see in NASCAR is when like today; I saw a twelve year old kid wearing a shirt with a huge Smirnoff Ice logo on it and underneath it real small were the words "Racing". So at least NASCAR is promoting with the future in mind, by selling kids size shirts with alcoholic beverages on them to “support” your favorite "Racing Team" (Like Michael Waltrip needs another house). I say start them early. So when there old enough to drive they know what to drink before they do. NASCAR - the sport that's ruining America one drunken kid at a time! They say that in five years NASCAR will be the biggest sport in America. I’ll also take this opportunity to announce that in five years I will be moving to Canada. I know a lot of people think Baseball is boring, but how on Earth could anyone think NASCAR is more exciting? It basically comes down to this and only this: If Kid Rock hangs out with you – you are white trash and will never ever be cool.
*And don’t tell me NASCAR is not a southern sport. Okay, there are a few west coast guys here and there, but there are also a few black guys in Hockey. In fact thinking about it I’ve never seen a black pro race car driver. I wonder why? I think because they know what happens when they get around a bunch of rich white guys from the south. It doesn’t involve not dying. In an interview with Dale Earnhardt, Jr. he says “People think NASCAR’s just a bunch a rednecks running moonshine and outrunning cops.” Sounds like the Dukes of Hazard to me and sounds a lot better than NASCAR! Maybe people think that because they wish the Winston Cup was just one big episode of the Duke Boys outwitting Boss Hog. It’s from the South just like Soccer is from well…not America. And that’s the way we like it.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Team Name Changes
Big news folks!
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays have announced that they will remove the 'Devil' from their name. They claim that in research done, the word 'devil' had a negative connotation. Personally my theory is that the Devil no longer wanted to be associated with the franchise and demanded his name be removed.
In a related story, The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim announced that they will be removing the word 'Mighty' from the team name and they will now simply be known as the Anaheim Ducks. Frankly, I think they should drop both names from the franchise. They'd be better off being known as The Anaheim. This is one of hockey's biggest problems. Do you think the NFL would allow one of it's franchises to be named after a shitty animal? Hell No! And don't argue that Dolphins qualify, they're more intelligent than humans, thus making themselves worthy of having a football team named after them(everyone knows football is a thinking man's game clearly evidenced by Terrell Owens).
Both of these stories broke on the same day, and I found myself wondering a couple of things:
1. Why the fuck does anyone care?
2. What the fuck is a Ray? I've heard of Sting Rays and Devil Rays and Sun Rays, but just Ray?Are they now named after the Universal movie starring Jamie Foxx.
3. That's actually a good idea. They could use the logo from the movie. Who wouldn't want to root for the baseball team that sang "Georgia?"
4. Why the fuck would The Ducks not drop the Ducks part of the name? They are no longer owned by Disney...they could leave that name in the dust. They could call themselves The Anaheim Aborted Fetus Eaters and there would be no corporation to resist. This was a chance to clean the slate and they didn't take it. Adam Banks is rolling in his grave right now.
5. Since when does the word Devil have a negative connotation and how is the name change going to make Toby Hall a good catcher?
In conclusion, nothing. I have no conclusion whatsoever. Bite it. The next column will be about hockey and you'll read it because I'd rather watch Alexander Ovechkin skate fast than watch Jerome Bettis try to eat the super bowl trophy(obligatory fat joke completed).
Look at that, a column about team names and I didn't make one joke about the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Apparently, I'm a horrible sports writer.
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays have announced that they will remove the 'Devil' from their name. They claim that in research done, the word 'devil' had a negative connotation. Personally my theory is that the Devil no longer wanted to be associated with the franchise and demanded his name be removed.
In a related story, The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim announced that they will be removing the word 'Mighty' from the team name and they will now simply be known as the Anaheim Ducks. Frankly, I think they should drop both names from the franchise. They'd be better off being known as The Anaheim. This is one of hockey's biggest problems. Do you think the NFL would allow one of it's franchises to be named after a shitty animal? Hell No! And don't argue that Dolphins qualify, they're more intelligent than humans, thus making themselves worthy of having a football team named after them(everyone knows football is a thinking man's game clearly evidenced by Terrell Owens).
Both of these stories broke on the same day, and I found myself wondering a couple of things:
1. Why the fuck does anyone care?
2. What the fuck is a Ray? I've heard of Sting Rays and Devil Rays and Sun Rays, but just Ray?Are they now named after the Universal movie starring Jamie Foxx.
3. That's actually a good idea. They could use the logo from the movie. Who wouldn't want to root for the baseball team that sang "Georgia?"
4. Why the fuck would The Ducks not drop the Ducks part of the name? They are no longer owned by Disney...they could leave that name in the dust. They could call themselves The Anaheim Aborted Fetus Eaters and there would be no corporation to resist. This was a chance to clean the slate and they didn't take it. Adam Banks is rolling in his grave right now.
5. Since when does the word Devil have a negative connotation and how is the name change going to make Toby Hall a good catcher?
In conclusion, nothing. I have no conclusion whatsoever. Bite it. The next column will be about hockey and you'll read it because I'd rather watch Alexander Ovechkin skate fast than watch Jerome Bettis try to eat the super bowl trophy(obligatory fat joke completed).
Look at that, a column about team names and I didn't make one joke about the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Apparently, I'm a horrible sports writer.
